Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Giants I Would Love to Fuck (GILF)...and a Little about the All Star Game

It's the day after the National League won the 2012 All Star game, 8-0.  I have some things I'd like to say about it, but I know I'd lose half of you (at least) if I wrote a post about nothing but baseball, so I'll add some sex to it at the end.  It's not hard for me to add sex to baseball....or just about anything for that matter.

Anyway, for those of you who don't know it yet, there were four Giants in the starting line-up for the National League All Star team this year - three were elected and one (pitcher Matt Cain) was selected by the NL team manager. Sounds like all was as it should be, doesn't it? It was, except for the fact that all the other NL teams were whining and moaning because so many Giants were elected.

"It's not fair!" "They manipulated the electronic voting system!"

Wah wah wah.

Boo hoo.

It's not our fault that we're smarter than the rest of you. Some fans (I won't mention the team) are still trying to punch their choices into the computer screen like it was still the old punch card system. San Francisco fans are tech savvy.  We know how to vote online.  We have multiple email addresses we can use for voting...and we know how to get as many as we want. Many of us know how to write scripts to enable us and our friends to vote faster. That's not cheating. It's simply using the system to our maximum advantage.

How is that any different from when Midwestern Little League coaches would take thousands of punch cards and have their players punch away after practice?

It's not.

Get over it.

But look what happened.  Who were the star players in the game last night? The Giants, of course! The big hits, the big runs, and the starting shut out pitching that set the tone for the defense all came from....who?

The Giants.

So, on behalf of northern California computer geek baseball fans, I say to all those other National League fans (the whiner ones as well as the grown up ones), "You're welcome."

On another note, the game provided me with a wonderful opportunity to gaze lustfully at excellent players from both leagues. As I was imagining each of them without their clothes on (and regretting it, in some cases), I started thinking about which Giants players I would love to fuck (GILF - Giants I would Love to Fuck).

Here's what I came up with:

(Pitchers first)
Jeremy Affeldt - Sure, I'd ride that horse, but he's seriously Christian and the prayer between fucks would probably be distracting.

Madison Bumgarner - Too young.

Matt Cain - Too "All American Boy."

Santiago Casilla - Too intense.

Tim Lincecum - Nah.  I'm afraid his marijuana use might affect his performance.  Besides, I don't trust men whose hair is longer than mine.

Javier Lopez - Definitely yes!!! Tall (6'4"), clean cut, Latino, gorgeous.  I think I'll send an email to him now.

Brad Penny - Absolutely! Tall, a grown man with some meat on him....and have you seen the size of his feet?  You know what that means, right?

Sergio Romo - Too sweet.

Ryan Vogelsong - Too easily offended.

Barry Zito - Some of you know this and some of you don't. Barry Zito is my secret crush.  Not so secret anymore, I suppose. Smart, handsome, musically talented, and the best looking ass ever seen on national TV.  Seriously, check it out the next time he's pitching. And now he's married!  That's great news because now he's not off limits for me.  Hehehe. I think I'll tweet him now.

Buster Posey - Too young.

Hector Sanchez - Nah.  I have no good reason.  He just doesn't do anything for me.  Of course, if he showed up at my door and said, "Wanna fuck?" my panties would be off pretty quickly.

Joaquin Arias - No, and I have no good reason, but I love how he plays third base and short. I'd like to see him more.

Brandon Belt - Too young and that extra long neck is just freaky.

Brandon Crawford - Hell, yes! He's one of the prettiest of the pretty boys on the team. I've played with myself a time or two while fantasizing about a threesome with Brandon and Angel Pagan.'s getting warm in here.

Angel Pagan - See above. Very hot. I imagine him as the type that starts out slow and gentle but then ramps up the heat and dominance.  I'd put money on a bet that he's a hair puller.  Yummmm.

Pablo Sandoval - No.  He's just like a little kid. And I prefer my lovers to be able to stay focused.

Gregor Blanco - No.  No reason.

Melky Cabrera - I love Melky but not as a potential fuck buddy. He's a very sweet mama's boy and not expressive enough for my taste.

Nate Schierholtz - Nope.  I love Nate but I actually have a friend who knows his girlfriend and that would be weird.

I know I left out a few - Justin Christian, Emmanuel Burriss, George Kontos, Clay Hensley. They inspire nothing in me.


Anonymous said...

What about Dusty Baker when he was the manager would he have made the grade? He sure likes to lick his chops a lot... :)

Ryan Beaumont said...

I hate whiners so here is my non-whine!

I send thanks to the Giants for securing home field advantage for the Nats in the World Series!

Ryan Beaumont said...

Oh and give Pable a twinkie for me!