Sunday, January 9, 2011

The Online Pickup Lines that Don't Work on Women

I have been playing online - on and off - since the early 90's.  Yes, for you youngsters out there, I'm talking about the days of dial up modems (when 56K was like, omg fast!!!), bulletin boards (the old school version of forums), IRC (that's internet relay chat), and 5.25" floppy disks (oh, nevermind). I have heard more than my share of bad online pickup lines over the years. 

So, think of this post as a public service. If you have been using any of these lines, stop immediately! If you have been thinking about any of them,  please go no further.

Of course, there is no way this can be an exhaustive list.  I'm sure there are many other bad pickup lines that are not listed here. Feel free to add them in the comments, or send me a message on Twitter and I'll add them to Bad Online Pick-up Lines, Part 2.

The Worst of the Worst
As the competition online has become pretty intense, you would not believe how many men still try these golden oldies, largely unsuccessfully, I suspect.
  • Wanna fuck? (Tell me, what about that line makes you think I would actually want to fuck you?)
  • Show me your tits. (Why?)
  • a/s/l (Now, I understand that these are vital statistics; however, they are likely in my profile already, which means you can't read or that you are not interested enough even to try.)
  • Do you have big tits? (This is a variation on the "Show me your tits" approach, above.  It doesn't work, either).
  • I like to eat pussy. (That's nice.  I like pasta.  So what?)
  • Married? (Again, this is probably in my profile, so you shouldn't have to ask, certainly not as an opening line.)
  • Are you just another whore who thinks she's better than me? (Wow. Yes, I actually experienced this one. What else could I say to this, but "Yes.")
  • Do you like big cocks? (Hmmm.....let me think for a minute. Is this a trick question?  Are you asking because you have one or because you don't?)
  • Shaved? (Classless. Period.  At least say, "Hi" first.)
  • Hi.  (What?  Cat got yer tongue? The response you'll get will be, "Hi."  Then what? Wanna fuck? Please, go practice talking to checkers at the grocery store.  It will help.)
  • Say baby, I have a 10" cock that needs polishing.  Need a workout? (This one was offered by my honey, DauntlessD.  Good thing he didn't use it on me - the line I mean, not the gorgeous cock.)
The Kinky
  • Nice tits.  Can I take a shit on them? (I put the call out on twitter for bad pickup lines and this one was offered by @1victus.  The problem was that it almost worked me as I had forgotten that I was asking for bad pickup lines. Ha! Just kidding, of course. The deal with these type of lines is that they definitely make a woman stop and think about if for moment because it so kinky, but the initial thought is usually followed by, "Eeewwwww," which is not the response you want.  Trust me on this.)
  • Have you been a bad girl? (Ok, I'll admit that this one always makes me smile, and you can use it if you're into S&M, but otherwise stay away from it.)
  • Are you kinky? (This is a scary question that will rarely get a straight answer.  Most women wonder what kinky means to you, and if your definition of the word is more extreme than theirs.)
  • Are you into golden showers? (I have never, ever met a real woman who would answer "yes" to this question.  I didn't say I don't know women who like them, but admitting that out the gate is another thing entirely.  Also, this question will get you the big "Eeeewwww" and exit from most women. Remember, you don't want that.  Here's a big hint for you kinky boys: Stay totally away from the toileting issues in the first conversation.  Your chances will improve dramatically. Guaranteed.)
Cute, but Corny
  • Why don't you come sit in my lap?  We can discuss the first thing that comes up. (This one was offered by twitter friend @mtruth65.  He swears it's all in the delivery,
  • If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me? (Another one from @mtruth65. This is cute and corny enough to possibly work in person, with the right delivery and the right person asking, but online?  I don't think so.)
  • Are you the woman I'm looking for?  (I don't know.  Who are you looking for?  Is that a pickup line or do you have dementia? A/S/L, please).
As I said, this is not an exhaustive list, but it should help some of you increase your online pickup success rate just by avoiding these lines.

Remember, if you have more to offer, add them to the comments.  I'd love to hear them!

And yes, Online Pickup Lines that Really Work on Women will be coming soon.


Looking for some romance?  Try First Encounter.

Just looking for a raw sex post?  Try  My Best Sex Ever.


Anonymous said...

How about, "I'd like to sniff your seat"?

Kat said...

LOL. That should definitely be listed in the kinky category. I suspect that line would not work. Has it ever worked for you?

Anonymous said...

And one of my faves....

"You have the prettiest face I'd ever like to come upon..."