Saturday, April 16, 2011

10 Random Lessons I've Learned as a Prowler

I've been prowling, on and off, for a long time. I had my first affair 15 years ago. I've had wonderful experiences and a few pretty hideous experiences, but it's safe to say that I've learned a few things along the way. Many of those things are shared through the advice posts you'll find here, but others are random, strange things that don't seem to fit easily into a post category or I think of them after I wrote the post on a particular topic.

This morning, a few of the random things I have learned just popped into my head, so being the sharing and giving Kat that I am, I've decided to share them with you. Several are specifically for women, but many are applicable to both male and female prowlers.
  1. Most hotel clerks are either stupid or they enjoy acting stupid. Things like needing an early check-in time or checking out just a few hours after you checked in just don't seem to register with most hotel clerks. I can't tell you how many times over the years I've heard hotel clerks tell me, "We can't do that, Mrs. Kat." I just want to slap them and tell them that I know they can do it because I've done it (early checkout, late checkout, paid cash...whatever) at this very same hotel 3 times before, but I don't because I know that discretion is the watchword for all prowlers.
  2. Always be prepared for anal sex even if you aren't expecting it. This lesson really only applies to the ladies.  I learned it the hard way and it's an embarrassing lesson to learn. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about, right?
  3. Disposable douche kits work quite nicely for anal prep and they fit in your purse, too. Sorry, guys.  I know you don't want to hear this stuff, but it's valuable info for the women whose asses you'll be fucking.
  4. KY makes a nice line of purse-sized lubes and massage oils.Very nice stuff. Yes, I always carry a small bottle of lube in my purse. I have convinced hubby of the many uses for it and every now and then I'll whip it out and use it (in a non-sexual application, of course) to prove to him that it has "legitimate" value.
  5. Men sometimes get struck with pangs of guilt, too, but it doesn't always mean it's over. Months ago, I got a "Dear Kat" email from one of my favorite fuck buddies saying that he just couldn't live with the guilt and he wasn't going to see me anymore. I was bummed because the sex was really good (I mean really, really good), but my pal Dauntless said that it wasn't over and I should just give him some time. He was right.  A few weeks later, he was back and ready to go.  He just needed a break - and some time to deal with his guilt.
  6. Caution is good, but paranoia is bad. I think extreme paranoia is a sign that you really don't want to cheat. It's good to be cautious and even a little nervous because that will keep you from being sloppy and doing something that will get you caught, but paranoia actually makes you more likely to be caught because you'll look and act nervous.  If your partner or prospective partner is acting really paranoid, back away.
  7. Always leave a tip for the cleaning crew. If you plan on returning to that particular hotel, you must do this, but even if you are not going back to that hotel, it's still the right thing to do.  The bigger the mess, the bigger the tip. Start at $5.00 if you think there is no evidence of sex left in the room when you leave and go up from there based on how much bodily fluid, blood, or other stuff needs to be cleaned up.
  8. If the relationship lasts more than a short period of time, there will be feelings involved. Having tender feelings for each other is not a bad thing, but it definitely complicates things. Sometimes he'll have those feelings and you won't and sometimes it will be the other way around, or maybe you both have them. Proceed very, very carefully. Remember, men and women often have different definitions of the "L" word (I'm talking about love, not lust) and what it means. Communicate clearly and don't assume that it means the same thing to your partner that it means to you. And don't assume that all tender and caring feelings lead to love with a capital "L." That's simply not true. In spite of all I just wrote, having an emotional connection with your prowling partner is a very cool thing, in my opinion.
  9. Google Voice is very cool. If you don't want to (or you can't really afford to) get a separate mischief phone, try Google Voice.  It's free.  You'll get a separate phone number that you can direct to your cell phone so you don't have to give out your real number.  Also, you can use it for both calling and text. I have found that call quality can be spotty if you don't have a strong WiFi or cell connection, but texting works well in most (not all) conditions.
  10. Be prepared with an explanation at all times. No matter where you are, there's a chance that you'll be seen with your honey by someone that one of you knows and you need to be ready with a reasonable explanation of who s/he is and what you're doing. The worst thing you can do is act flustered and nervous when confronted with that situation. Prepare your story (and an alternate) in advance.  If you're the nervous type, practice saying it out loud a few times so you can hear yourself actually saying the words.  Then it won't be so hard when you really have to say them.


Agnes said...

Love this list! Keep them coming!

Ryan Beaumont said...

You've got to come up with some type of sub-blog here for all this eligant advice. I know you said you taught at a charm school so something like Ms Kat's Naughty Charm School Corner.

Kat said...

Thanks, Ryan, but I never taught at a charm school; I *attended* a charm school - and had to take the basic course three times. I never learned to keep my knees together, but I sure can set a table.

I love the cute title you came up with. Very cute. But why a sub-blog? I've created a page for all the advice posts (accessed through menu bar). I kinda like changing it up between sex and advice. It's just how my ADD brain works. ;)

Anonymous said...

I love the idea of Ms Kat's Naughty Charm School Corner, but it could still be on this blog, just organized under the heading "Ms Kat's Naughty Charm School Corner"... maybe the same way you could have a TMI Tuesday heading.:-)