Saturday, November 19, 2011

When the Wife Calls. . .

It's always a bit unsettling when the wife calls. It has happened to me several times over the past 25 years or so, and it's never fun. I always seem to be struck silent.  Apparently, I have inherited my mother's uncanny ability of not knowing what to say in a stressful moment. Oh, I think of the perfect thing to say later, but the moment is over by then and it does no good.

Anyway, the first time it happened to me, I was 22 years old.  I was having a torrid affair with a married 40 year old - tall, gorgeous, Latino ex-gang member.  He may have been an ex-gang member, but he still dressed the part and talked the talk, even though he had 6 children and was already a grandfather. This man had "Bad Boy" oozing from every pore, and I couldn't resist.

After we had been "dating" for several months (I was too young to know that fucking isn't dating at that point in my life), his wife called me at work. I was in shock when someone handed me the phone and I heard a voice asking if I was Kat and then telling me who she was. I was speechless.  I wondered how she knew where I worked. She called me some names ("slutty whore," etc.) and expressed her unhappiness about what I was doing with her husband.  She told me to stop, pointing out that he had children (although I was very confused at that time about how that affected our sex life).  Most of the detail of what she said has faded into the dusty archives of my brain.

But the last thing she said before she hung up on me stuck with me.  I can still hear her voice in my head today saying, "You're not the first and you won't be the last.  You mean nothing to him." It didn't hurt me, but I didn't understand why a wife would say that to a mistress. Now that I have been on the wife side of the infidelity equation, I know exactly what she meant and why she said it.

More recently, I had another wife calling experience. I was resting after work for a few minutes before my husband and I were leaving to go out for the evening. My cell rang and it showed that a blocked number was calling.  Normally, I never answer blocked calls.  I let them go through to voicemail. But this time I thought it was someone else calling, so I answered.

Kat: Hello.

The Wife: Is this Kat?

Kat: Yes. who's this?


The Wife:  This is Sue, I'm E's wife.

(longer pause)

Kat: Hello.

(Yeah, yeah, I know. MY brilliant conversational skills were not shining at that moment, but I was in shock so you'll have to cut me a little slack. I knew that she knew about me and my affair with her husband, but I really didn't expect her to call me.)

The Wife: I'm calling to invite you to......(pause)

(An invitation? Really? To what?  A dinner date? A three-way with her and her husband?)

The Wife: ...stop having any and all contact with my husband.  No texts. No emails. No phone calls.

(Whew.....I was afraid she was going to say "no getting together to fuck," too.  That would have really sucked.)

Kat: You really should speak with E. Your issues are with him.

The Wife: Don't tell me who to talk to! You need to stop contacting him so I can make my marriage work.  And you need to focus on your own marriage.

(I will admit, there were many things flowing through my mind at that moment. Things like, "Your troubled marriage is not my responsibility, ma'am. Your husband found me after a couple of decades of being ignored, henpecked and denied sex. Instead of focusing on me as the problem, how about giving your husband head instead?  That would be a much better use of your time and it would also be more likely to help your marriage." No, I didn't say any of those things, of course.  I'm not a cruel person.  I could tell she was hurting, and I knew I had a role in that. I'm not proud of that at all. I felt more compassion for her than anything else.  Still, I wasn't sure what to say.)

Kat: I understand what you are saying.

The Wife: So, you'll promise that you won't have any more contact with E?

(Seriously? Did she really think that my promise would mean anything when her husband's promises to her didn't keep him from fooling around?)

Kat: No. You really need that promise to come from him. Look, he loves you very much.  He doesn't want to leave you. He plans on never leaving you.

The Wife: How can I believe that unless I can be sure that he's not involved with you anymore?

(That was a very good question.  I don't think any of us can ever be 100% sure of that. But surely she must know that unless something major changes in their relationship, it won't just be me.  There will be others.  I was reminded about that first wife call I got when I was young. "You're not the first, and you won't be the last." )

The Wife: You'd better understand what I'm saying.

(long pause)

Kat: Is there anything else you'd like to say?

(Let's face it.  I was screwing her husband. She pretty much had the right to say anything she wanted to say.)

The Wife: Yes.  I have a lot more to say.....

(Oh, geez.... this could go on for hours.)

The Wife:  .....but I'm not going to say it now.  I'm going to keep it simple.

(Thank God!  But wait...does that mean she's going to call back another time to say the rest? Uuugghh.)

Kat: O.K.  Goodnight, then.

The Wife: Goodnight.

(I knew she'd kick herself later for saying goodnight and not just punctuating her anger by hanging up on me. I was a little amused that my primary focus after the call wasn't nervousness or fear, but I wanted to coach her on how to better a handle a "telling off the mistress" call. She clearly wasn't used to this.)

Let me make something clear.  I felt genuine compassion for her.  I still do, but I did not pity her at all. She had some responsibility in the creation of this situation that was causing her so much pain. Of course, her husband's infidelity was not her fault, but she was not an innocent.  Every time she told him "no" in the bedroom over the years without discussing the issue and trying to find a solution, she was pushing him closer and closer to another woman. Every time she used words like "perverted" and "disgusting" in response to his perfectly normal requests to try something new sexually, she was preparing the ground for the sprouting of his extramarital activity.

In short, she built that car from the ground up over a lot of years, and then she was indignant and shocked that he actually got in it and drove away. 

Immediately after the phone call, I sent E an email telling him exactly what was said and how I responded so he would be aware.

I got a return email from him expressing his concern for me and asking if I intended to stop seeing him because of the call. He acknowledged that he was about to go home and he had no idea what was waiting for him, and that he didn't know what was going to happen.

The next morning, I got a text from him confirming our plan to meet the next day. Apparently, whatever happened at home didn't change his feelings and his need for what we shared.

You may want to criticize how I handled that call with Sue, but keep in mind that there is just about nothing I could have said that would have made her feel better. Maybe I could have apologized profusely and begged her forgiveness, but would patronizing her like that be the right thing to do?  The truth is that there is no perfect way to handle a call like that.

You have to deal with the situation in front of you. If it had been Webcam Guy's or JJ's wife, I would have denied the whole thing, doing everything I could to help them keep the marriage intact.  Since Sue already knew about the affair, that would have been cruel and stupid.

The best advice I have is to be gentle and kind.  Don't get into an argument. Remember that you're dealing with someone who is angry and afraid. Treat her the way you would like to be treated if you were the one making that difficult call.

As I was writing this, I realized that I haven't posted anything about E. I'll do that soon.  You're in for a treat.  E is absolutely delectable!


Naughty Kitty said...

I want to know what you do to these men to capture them longterm. I wish I had a fraction of what you have.

I am looking forward to reading about S.

Ryan Beaumont said...

You have a lot of courage to say "do you want to say anything else."

I'm always a fan of George Clooney's quote in Up in the Air when asked "do you ever follow up with them (the people he has fired)?" His reply "of course not, no good will come of that!"

But then I'm a jerk! :) Good for you though!