I was having an Alanis Morissette moment earlier today. Actually, it has been going on for a couple of weeks, but I have been pushing it to the back of my mind to avoid feeling it. Today, however, for some reason, I just couldn't avoid it any longer.
One of my dearest online friends, Webcam Guy, has stopped communicating with me. I don't know why. He didn't really say. I know many who have experienced this with online friends. Disappearing is not uncommon.
But it hurts.
I'm not talking about the breakup of a romantic relationship, but a close friendship. Because the topic of regression has been coming up a lot in my therapy recently, I immediately draw the connection that this feels like I'm in first grade and I've been told by one of my best friends that he doesn't want to be my friend anymore. WTF is up with that?
I have written a couple of times about break-up or pulling away scenarios in A Parable for Prowlers: It's Not Your Puppy and When the Wife Finds Out..., Even when you know and expect it, there's pain involved. But when you don't expect it, it's worse.
So, today I felt a whole range of emotions that led to my Alanis Morissette moment. I thought about the situation. Sadness washed over me first. The truth is that I don't have a lot of close friends. Losing one is a big deal.
Then came some anger. Yes, it was pure Alanis Morissette You Oughta Know anger.
My favorite line - "And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back, I hope you feel it..."
Yeah, that's the kind of anger that was blowing through me.
Then after I thought about it some more, I remembered some positive things about the relationship and all that I've learned from him. I also reminded myself that maybe it's not completely over. I do tend to assume the worst case scenario at times.
So my mood moved into the You Learn range.
I love the first line, "I'd recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone...."
Me, too.
I though back to when I first signed on to AM. What was I looking for? I was looking for connection. I wanted to experience more of life. I wanted to feel.....something. (Oh yeah, and I wanted hard, rough, screaming-for-more sex, too.)
I got what I was looking for. Connection. Yummy sex.
And, yes, I started feeling things again after years of feeling numb and just walking through life pretending to be a happy and fulfilled wife.
Then, I started feeling gratitude. I found all that I was looking for and more. I've made some fantastic friends, and Webcam Guy is one of them. Nothing can change that. I remembered some of the times in the past 10 months that he helped me through some difficult times.
I wasn't angry anymore or pensive....I just wanted to say, Thank You.
I still don't understand what happened. It still makes me sad. I still don't like it. I still miss talking to him.
But at least I'm not hiding from the emotions.
I think my Alanis Morissette moment was good for me.
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For all of you guys who can't stand the emotional touchy-feely stuff, don't worry. Keep your chin up! My next post will be about anal sex....just for you. ;-)
7 comments:
The emotions that are built with an online relationship can run deep and when that person vanishes it leaved a hole.
To many times I've heard people say that "online isn't real" that couldn't be further from the truth.
Oh do I know how you feel. I met someone through blogging, have known him for six years now, and we became very close, like you and Webcam Guy. My friend claimed things were going to be really busy for the foreseeable future and that's basically the last I heard from him.
It hurts...and in a way I felt stupid, like I'd gotten way too attached to someone I only knew online. He and I shared a lot and I was really happy with just chatting online and Skypeing.
I miss him....who knows if he'll ever pop back up.
I go through this all the time...ALL THE TIME! I hate it. It is so bad for me that I even started seeing a therapist (that's pretty bad by the way).
These headshrinkers must be making a killing since Facebook, blogging and Ashley Madison have become so popular.
Hang in there Kat. Anything I can do to help? I'm happy to be a friend.
Oh, yeah, one last thing. Why is it so much easier for men to drop out of sight then us? Even if I don't like the guy I can't just dump him like that.
I posted a comment yesterday and it seems to have disappeared into cyber space.
Basically I said this happens to me all the time. It hurts every single time.
So what do you do to curb the pain of losing a "friend" or a "lover" that just disappears?
My nurse-friend did this too recently.
There's a line from Jackie's lover in 'Nurse Jackie', from him to her.
"I can't stand the way you take me off the shelf like this. You throw me this crumb, and I'm hooked."
Yeah, she did that. She came back. She got me hooked on great sex again. We had a connection there. Damn.
Then just as we are planning to say goodbye, she deletes her email account again, the third time. Nothing. Yeah, it hurt.
I went thru some similar feelings, hurt, anger too, then remembering the good times. I knew she was leaving the area, we both knew it was ending, but to be cut off like that, nothing, after 2 years. It's tough, especially since we both we going through some changes we had related. All I wanted was to see her for a half an hour, hug and kiss her good bye. Now it's all bitter-sweet, no salt added. Makes me sad too, but more for her now.
DAMN! That's the first time I heard of a woman doing that!
This happened once for me a while back and I still think about him now. It doesn't hurt anymore and I can appreciate the good parts of that relationship. I just find myself wondering where the hell he went?! I'm sure it won't be the last time it happens.
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