Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Sex for Kat and Hubby after the Big Confession

The Big Confession (or should I say, big confessions?) changed things in my marriage. For those of you who are new here, a couple of months ago my husband confessed that he had been unfaithful for the better part of the past 5 years, with multiple women.  About a month ago, I confessed my infidelities. Everything was out on the table and we had to decide where to go from there.

Would we stay together?  That was the easiest decision because we both are committed to each other and our marriage.

But what was next?  Would we recommit to fidelity? Would we agree to an open marriage? Would we start swinging? Would we ever be able to really trust each other again like we did before? What would happen to our sex life?

Specifically, my husband was worried that I would be bored by him since I had enjoyed so many alternatives. It wasn't an unreasonable concern. Neither of us knew if I could be satisfied by plain vanilla after sampling lots of other delectable flavors.

We decided to try a fresh start and focus on improving both our communication and sex life. We got into counseling (individual and couples counseling), and we agreed to tell each other the truth, meaning that if I had a roll in the hay with JJ, I would tell Hubby, and he would admit any slips he had.

We agreed to start acting like we did early in our marriage, whether or not we felt like it. What did that mean? It meant the TV would get turned off in the evening.  It meant we would go to bed as soon as the kids were asleep so we'd have time for each other. It meant we'd start dating again, at least one night a week. It meant we'd leave heartfelt love notes for each other in the car, on the bathroom mirror, etc. We brought our plan into the current century by adding loving and sexy email and texts to each other throughout the day. I started sexting him at embarrassing moments.

And it meant we'd plan on sex every night. The rule was/is that neither of us can cancel it during the day, but either of us can cancel when we are actually in bed; however, the one who cancels is obligated to help the other come if he/she wants. I have to tell you I have been surprised by how many times I thought I was too tired or not in the mood, but when we started enjoying each other and I started helping him get off, I started to get excited, too.

We also each decided to really give it an honest try.  For me, that meant I would get into it with all the enthusiasm I had with JJ or J or S or...... For him, that meant being willing to try some variety and focusing on my pleasure.

So, for the first two weeks, that's how it was - sex every night.  Sometimes more than once. And it was really great sex! My old dog hubby kept thinking that he couldn't do it again for the 4th (5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, etc...) night in a row, but he did, and quite nicely, I might add. ;-)

We included some play with sex toys, and experimented with different positions. We asked each other what we had liked about sex with our other lovers and we incorporated some of those things into our own lovemaking.

The next week, it slowed down a little.  We only had sex on five nights of the seven that week. There were two nights that we both agreed to take a break.  Frankly, I needed a break, things were starting to get a little sore "down there" from all the attention. What a wonderful problem to have, huh? It was during this week that we also started reading to each other in bed (sex books and books about reclaiming your marriage) and talking about what we read.

Over the last 7 days, we've had sex on six nights. On one of them, we had agreed not to, but I changed my mind just as we were about to fall asleep and that kept us up for a couple more hours.

As the sex got better, lots of other things started turning around, too.  We actually wanted to be around each other more. We started talking more.

It didn't solve all of our problems, though.  Hubby is still too clingy, afraid that I'm going to take off and find another man...and, ultimately, leave him.  He has a reason to be concerned.  I won't leave him., but I have not lost my desire for my honey...or J, or P. or B, or C.....or...... As you can see, PWK is still here and going strong.

A couple of nights ago, we discussed a new "problem" we have.  We need to adjust our "act like we were newly together" plan because the sex now is much better than it was when we were newly together.  Huh? How can that be? Sounds crazy, huh?  I always thought that people were supposed to be on track for divorce when affairs were discovered, but that's not what has happened for us. The man who seemed to have lost interest in me sexually is now pursuing me and is trying as hard as he can to keep me interested in him and not in other men.

Now, we're looking to the future and wondering where it goes from here. You never really know what's going to happen in life, do you?

I'd better get writing.  I have some hot sex posts to write.


Naughty Kitty said...

Good for you! I'm jealous...once again.

Lorelei said...

Fantastic post. It can be hard to find ways to view the people we love and want to be with in the way we initially viewed them. I'm reading a great book now called Mating in Captivity that's a lot about that. Glad that you've been having steamy (and frequent!) sex.

someonesmissus said...

I'm glad you posted this; it gives me some ideas as to what I can do to be sexually interested in my husband again.

MM said...

Congrats Kat! You've discovered a part of the truth about the myth that having sex with the same person is like eating the same cracker (or the same flavor of ice cream) forever.

On the contrary, the woman's body is like a musical instrument. One that you can strive to master in all its beauty and glory. The playing never stops, but you continue to get better and better ... :)

Anonymous said...

Very definitely want to follow this now. Having come from an open relationship, I can say that it is possible for that to work, and work very well, if you can trust each other and get over the natural human fear of being replaced. If you can trust each other and remember that it is not and never should be a competition with your other lovers, an open relationship can be very rewarding. If you allow it to become a competition with your partner's other lovers, you're doomed.