Madison... What happened?

Daunt here.  For those that have been following, you saw my note in Panty Games part 1 that Madison and I are no longer seeing one another.  As promised I'll share with you what I can along with any thoughts I may have.  But first for those that are new or haven't been following my Madison posts, let me recap, just to bring them up to speed.

At the end of 2010 I hit a pretty rough patch in my life.  I was depressed and lonely, and still married.  I needed something, but I didn't know what it was.  Just trying to grasp at literally anything to break me out of my funk I got onto Ashley Madison which was fun. Ashley Madison was a distraction, a game.  Good things came out of it honestly. It was there I met Kat and our friendship began and shortly after I met Madison in early 2011.

Madison and I became friends via email then shortly after met for dinner a couple of times.  We enjoyed each other's company and there was a connection, but Madison was going on an out of country vacation that summer with husband.  Also at this time I still had not yet chosen to divorce my wife.  Madison went on her trip and I stopped hearing from her.  I just assumed she reconnected with her husband.

Fall of 2011 I chose to divorce and shortly after, out of the blue, I received a text from Madison.  We reconnected over dinner and a romance began to blossom.

My time with Madison was wonderful and we grew to love one another.  But this is not to say that we were never confronted with guilt or regret.  As I grew to know Madison, I also by extension learned a little about her husband.  She loved him.  I knew this.  The man seemed clueless and neglectful, but he didn't seem like a bad guy.  This bothered me because at times I felt like I was taking from, and possibly hurting, a man I had no grudge against.  Also at times Madison would be twisted up about needing the intimacy we shared, but at the same time knowing she did love her husband.

If you would like to read about Madison and the fun we had go to the All DauntlessD page.

What happened?  Why did it end?  Well, Madison and I were a pretty big part of one another's lives and when that happens it becomes something you want to share.  Madison told her best friend who she was sure would keep her confidence.  Madison was wrong.  Her now ex-friend just needed the right situation to gossip.  Shortly after, the news of Madison's affair bubbled up to her husband.

So, listen up!  Here is a rule for those of you either in or considering an affair.  If you are worried about being caught, tell no one! I know first hand how hard this can be -- and trust me it is hard!  As you grow to care about and know this other person, you just naturally want to share things you talked about, or that funny thing that happened with your other friends.  It's tough.  Believe me.

Now let's talk about the hurt and pain.  Of course Madison's husband was angry initially, but that changed to feeling heart-wrenching hurt and betrayal.  Madison didn't want to hurt her husband in this manner and she felt tremendous guilt about that.  At the same time she loved me and didn't want to hurt me.  To make matters worse she was isolated because she had no one to go to -- her best friend had betrayed her.  The pressure cooker she was in was simply awful and the helplessness I felt made me feel just as bad.

Madison began making plans to move out of her home and leave her husband. Maybe it was the affair.  Maybe it was the fact that he finally believed he was going to lose her, but at this point Madison's husband caught a clue.  He finally in earnest began fighting to save his marriage and keep his wife.  It took nearly a month for Madison to believe it was real, but it worked.

Here is where my heartbreak begins.  The communication between myself and Madison had been severely diminished since her husband found out.  Soon after entering a grocery store my phone rings.  Standing in a health food aisle I listen as Madison tearfully explains she is going to give her husband another chance.  Of course I say the right things and I tell her I understand; but as the day wears on a weight starts settling on me.  It feels like an icy iron fist is gripping my heart and slowly squeezing.

Of course I knew this could happen -- I was seeing a married woman!  What I hadn't counted on was the suddenness.  This woman I had grown to love and have an intimate relationship with was just... gone.  The plans we already had on the calendar weren't going to happen now.

Loneliness came in like a hammer.  And as I reflected on this I realized I had set this up 8 months prior without realizing it.  You see, I began seeing Madison before I had moved my would-be ex-wife out of the house.  By seeing Madison I had inadvertently delayed the loneliness I would have felt at the end of my marriage.

I've done an enormous amount of reflecting, trying to weigh whether all of what has happened was collectively more good or more bad.  In the end I think there is more positive than negative.  The joy and intimacy Madison and I shared is something I'd hate to have missed.

Maybe it was a mistake.  Maybe I was foolish to let myself get as emotionally invested as I did.  I'm not sure.

"Tis better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all." ~ Lord Alfred Tennyson