Thursday, March 1, 2012

The Funnier Side of Marriage

I was looking for a particular joke about marriage that I read recently that applied to what I wanted to write about today. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to find it, but while I was searching I found this Marriage Jokes site.

There I was, innocently perusing and enjoying the jokes as I looked for the one I remembered.  Then one hit me light a lightning bolt and I burst into laughter - out loud (which is a bit odd in an office of writers where the only typical sounds are tapping keyboards and soft background Pandora music).

Here it is:

Two married men, Bill and Paul, were having a drink after work. 

 Bill says: "Have you ever said something when you meant to say something else?" 

"How do you mean?" said Paul. 

"Well, see the other day when buying airline tickets, instead of asking for two tickets to Pittsburgh, I asked for two pickets to Titsberg" 

"Yeah, I know what you mean," said Paul. "Last week I was having breakfast with my wife. I meant to say 'Please pass me the Sugar.' But what came out was "Shut up you witch, you've ruined my life!"

I'm not sure why I found this so funny. It must be my goofy mood today.

And I really need to laugh.  If you've got a funny marriage joke, please share it! And yes, it's okay to copy and paste from the Marriage Jokes site if you must, just remember to give credit to the source.

Maybe I'll offer a prize of some sort to whoever comes up with the funniest joke........


Ryan Beaumont said...

An old couple were at the doctor's office for the husband's annual check-up. He had been feeling quite ill recently and the doctors needed to take several test. It was hard because the old man had such poor hearing. The doctor had to repeat himself for every instruction. The wife was getting exasperated.

Finally the doctor said "Mr. Smith we need to take a stool sample from you." The old man said "what did you say?" The wife just jumped in and said "honey, just give him your underwear!"

Liam said...

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.....Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for a bout 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't, have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one After another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.

'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

(From, but I've seen it elsewhere, too.)

Kat said...

Hahahaha. Ryan, yours was funny, but Liam's made me laugh out loud. :-)

Cara Janes said...

Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Joe the Bellboy.

The first man married a nurse. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".

The second man married a telephone operator. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he's a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...".

The third man married a school teacher. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself "poor guy, she's pretty but teachers are just too frigid".

The next morning Joe reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.

6:00 a.m. The phone rings it's the nurse's husband wanting breakfast.

The nurse's husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.

Joe asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse.

The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying " you're not sanitary, you're not sanitary".

Joe went back down to the main desk to wait for the next call.

6:30 a.m. The telephone operator's husband calls for breakfast.

Joe brings it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed.

Joe asks," What happened?

Telephone operators are suppose to be as sexy as their voices."

The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up."

Joe went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband will be calling any minute.

4:30 p.m. The teacher's husband called for breakfast. Joe can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room.

The man opened the door and Joe took a step back in shock. He wore only his boxers and his hair was a mess. He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs.

Joe fearing the worst asked "What happened to you? Did you have a fight?"

The man smiles and happily replies, "No. Son, when you marry be sure to marry a school teacher.

All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying, "We are going to do this over and over, until we get right."

Ryan Beaumont said...

Awesome jokes LIam and Cara; I'll definitely be using them some time! Good idea Kat.

Ethan Lambert said...

Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean.

So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating.
Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"

Sent to me in an email a year ago; seemed somehow funnier being in this "lifestyle".

Ethan Lambert said...

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals?

For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time.

If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.

"The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time.

If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis ... fifty times"