Thursday, March 29, 2012

The Ones Who Broke My Heart ....

I have no idea why I'm writing this post. It's just in me, pushing to come out.  Daunt and I were talking about that recently - how sometimes a post just demands to be written, and when that happens it pretty much writes itself.

Here's how it came about for me today.  I was thinking about Hubby and our date night today.  Then I was thinking about JJ and a really nice text exchange we had earlier today. Then I was reflecting on how much I loved these two men. I love them differently, but they are both very important to me. Then my mind started wandering to the few others I've loved in my life, and how it went with them.

Believe it or not, I've only fallen in love - and I mean head over heals in love - several times in my life. I've had relationships that looked like they were going in that direction, but then something changed before affection was transformed into love.

Real love....for me it's rare, and permanent. I don't think I've ever fallen out of love with anyone I really loved. Sometimes the relationship changed, but the feelings never did for me.  Sometimes it just doesn't work out the way you would like, and that can be a good thing.  A friendship with someone you love is wonderful.

I definitely love Hubby, and I always will.  And I love JJ. There's no doubt about that. I know, though, that there will be a point at which there will be heartbreak with each of them.

One of the things I like to say about marriage is that it never ends well. It always ends in either divorce or death.  Well, I don't see divorce in my future with Hubby at all, but I see death on the horizon (hopefully, far away on the horizon), and that sucks.

As for JJ, you know that I've told you that prowling always leads to heartache. It's just a matter of when. But I plan to enjoy JJ for every moment that I can.

There are others, though, who broke my heart along the way (in no particular order):

Matt - Matt was my boyfriend for just a few months in 8th grade. He was the first boy I ever made out with (although not my first kiss). He dumped me for a girl named Gina who was always showing off her precociously big tits by wearing tube tops even though that was clearly against the dress code at school (but I'm not bitter...really, I'm not. LOL). Matt didn't have the nerve to dump me to my face.  Instead, he requested our song at a school dance and then danced with her. Then, with everyone watching - looking at them, then at me, then back at them - he kissed her. That's how I found out that we were done. I was completely heartbroken and humiliated.  As strange as it sounds, it still stings me a little today.

Webcam Guy - It was a unique relationship.  We met on AM, had some sexual encounters, but not many.  Mostly, we became very good friends, and it was a friendship that kind of snuck up on me unexpectedly. I shared things with him that I had never told anyone. He meant a lot to me (he still does) and eventually I fell for him.  I am pretty sure it was more on the friendship side than the romantic side, but it really doesn't matter because he just cut of all contact with no explanation.  A few months later, he gave me a little more of an explanation, but then all contact was cut off again. That one still hurts a lot, especially whenever I drive by where he lives or works. It will probably make more sense if I explain that I don't make friends easily.  Oh, I can fuck strangers without a second thought and love it, but actually trust someone with anything that really matters to me? That's extremely rare for me.  Close friends worth trusting are hard to find.  I still don't get why he would throw that away.

F- I fell for F very early on in our relationship. We enjoyed many of the same things and we wrote an incredible amount of email in the early days.  Some of it was fantasy, some was just about life. There was an undeniable connection. We both knew it, and we decided to meet in person a couple of months after we met online. That meeting (in a hotel room, of course) didn't go well - for either of us, I think - but we didn't talk about it afterwards.  We just kind of went back to our online relationship, which was great. Both of us had a lot going on in our lives at that time and we didn't really have a chance to meet again. Then, about three or four weeks after our first meeting disaster, I got the email. He didn't want to stick with one person.  He wanted to still look around and see who he could find. I was dumped. When I read it, it felt like all of the air had been sucked out of my lungs. I couldn't breathe.  I couldn't think. I remember the feeling.  It was exactly the feeling I had in 8th grade when I saw Matt kissing Gina on the dance floor. Heartbroken. Humiliated. Rejected. F quickly explained that he still wanted to be friends.  So, I was just being dumped as a lover, not as a friend.  Well, that's better, I thought. Sort of. I agreed, and we continued the friendship, which is a good thing, of course, but over a year later there are still times when that pain rushes back in. I don't think I'll ever forget being rejected.  I try not to let it interfere with our friendship today, but I can't help it sometimes.

Love hurts. The problem is that you can't always tell when it's coming.

Alfred Lord Tennyson wrote in his poem, In Memoriam: 27 (1850)

I hold it true, whate'er befall;

I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

I love that.  It reminds me that I'm not the only one to have loved and lost. My life is richer because of the experiences I've had and the people I've known, especially the ones I've loved. When I think about people who have never known the kind of love that I have, I'm very grateful...even for the ones who broke my heart.


I know.  Some of you are reading this and thinking. "That's nice, but when do we get another sex post?!?"

Soon, my impatient prowlers.  Soon.


Heaven said...

I enjoyed your post...funny but I wrote about mending a broken heart just a few minutes ago. I think for some of us, being friends is all we can hope for. It will not always be a happy ending and we will not always get what we want. But if we can enjoy the moments and feel special, I think I can live it ~ Cheers ~

Ryan Beaumont said...

Take it from Nazareth (the 70's band)

"Love hurts, love scars, love wounds and marks
Any heart not tough or strong enough
To take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain
Love is like a cloud holds a lot of rain.
Love hurts. Oooh,love hurts"

Kat said...

Heaven - Exactly. Live for the moment.
Ryan - I love that song! LOL

Michael said...

Yes, we will remember them always. Thanks for that, Kat.


Same sassy girl said...

Thank you, Kat. I'm not a philosophical type, but that Tennyson quote is as close to a creed as I get. It has powered me to escape my mundane life and explore the marvels that can only happen in a man's arms. I sent it to Phil very early on... the day I decided it was okay to think about being more than his email pal... thank goodness I did! He was my first lost love and my most amazing second chance!