I got out of bed late last night and wrote a note* to my husband. I was so very frustrated and I had to express it somehow. Ok, so I probably won't ever give him the note, but writing it was therapeutic in some ways. I asked him for sex three times yesterday and was turned down flat each time. I was angry, frustrated, humiliated. To give you some context for the note (that I'll share below), here's what happened yesterday:
Attempt #1 (in bed at 7:30 a.m.):
Kat: (after giving Hubby 3/4 of an awesome edging blow job) Mmmm...how 'bout letting me ride you now, Honey?
Hubby: (putting his hard dick back in Kat's mouth and pushing her head down on it again) No, this is great. Just finish me.
Attempt #2 (on the living room couch at about 1:15 p.m. with the kids occupied in the other room for the next 30 minutes):
Kat: (curling up next to Hubby on the couch and kissing his neck seductively) I am really craving a nice (kiss)...hard (ear nibble)...ass fucking, Honey. How about going back to the bedroom with me for a few minutes while the kids are occupied?
Hubby: Now? But the ball game is about to start. We can do that later. Did you make the popcorn yet?
Attempt #3 (in bed at 10:00 p.m.):
Kat: (in bed naked, snuggling up next to hubby, who's wearing sweats and pajamas, as if this were Siberia in the winter) Well, we have lots of time now (kiss...hand wandering down to his waist, trying to find a way in)....What do you think we could do now?
Hubby: Jeez, Kat! Don't you think of anything besides sex? It's late, ya know.
Kat (turning onto her other side, away from Hubby, trying not to sound too upset or disappointed): Sorry, Honey. Goodnight.
I laid there, unable to sleep for a few hours, trying to deal with all the swirling feelings. Then I got up, went into the other room, and wrote this note:
"Dear Hubby,
You asked if I ever think of anything besides sex. As a matter of fact, I do. I think about earning a living, paying the bills, raising our children, grocery shopping, cleaning, taxes, laundry, PTA meetings, getting the car serviced, scheduling a parent-teacher conference, dinner menus for the week, scheduling play dates for our youngest, ironing, cooking, getting the cat her shots, communicating with extended family members, my annual check up, your health, keeping you happy, keeping the kids happy, keeping the neighbors happy, keeping my employees happy, keeping my clients happy, keeping my honey-on-the-side happy, and occasionally, I'll think about finding some time to read. After almost 25 years of marriage, I'd think you would know I'm constantly thinking about things besides sex.
But here's the deal - The need for sex is like a constant undertone vibrating through me at all times. It's the background noise going on while I'm thinking about all those other things. Sometimes it's a quiet nudging, but if it has been a while it becomes a loud, demanding and distracting roar. Still, I keep thinking about all those other things and ignoring it to the best of my ability, but it's always there. It's never completely gone. Sometimes, I'm a little bit wet and wishing I could get some relief and other times I'm so horny I can barely breathe.
It's not my fault that I've been blessed with some pretty strong perimenopausal hormones that keep that undertone of sexual desire going strong. It's also not my fault that your libido has decreased to almost nothing and that whatever is left is 100% focused on you.
Would it kill you to at least pretend that you care enough to acknowledge that this is a real need of mine and not just something I'm making up because I'm selfish? Do you think you could manage not treating me like a deviant or a freak because I want to have sex more than once a month? Do you have any idea - even a remote one - how painful your rejection is to me? Do you understand how your constant rejection makes me feel undesirable, unattractive, and old?
Do you understand that each time you reject me, I feel a little less guilty about fucking around behind your back? Do you get that each time you push me away, you are actually pushing me into some other man's bed?
Well, I thought you may want to know.
Your loving wife,
Kat"
* For obvious reasons, I never gave hubby the note, but there are times when my frustration level gets so high that I really, really wish I could.
Can anyone else relate to this? Please, tell me I'm not alone.
11 comments:
You are not alone, xx
could write the same note from the other side, Kat. (Although not as well.) As I said to Doux early on, "I'm married, mostly happily." The bit that's unhappy, though, is VERY unhappy. I try to keep a high, thick wall between the things I'm happy about (kids, friends, companionship, ...) and the desolation of being pushed away every time I try to touch my wife, kiss her, or make love with her.
It's hard sometimes to keep that wall intact.
You had me at hello!
Huh. Before I read the note and had just read that it was a note, I thought "oh, no, you can't give him that note!". But after reading it, I think you should edit out a few things and give it to him, along with some oysters, or some other sort of medicinal aphrodisiac...
No you are not alone. For years I had the same emotions with my now ex. I never cheated, I wanted to make the marriage work. Finally she did me a favor. One day she said while she liked me she was simply not interested in having sex with me, didn't expect that to change, that I deserved better than that as did she and that therefore she wanted a divorce. At first it was devastating. Now I am thankful for the stand she took.
You are not alone. This could be given to my hubby every day for the last 5 years.
Totally relate to this.
First of all, it really shouldn't have to get that far where you should even have to ask.
But, there's always going to be those times when one person might not be, for whatever reason, just that into it. But, why not go along with it? Is it really worth all the stress and grief it causes? Definitely not.
I'm easy, I'm the asker and I never turn down a possibility, even if it means getting very little sleep.
But, if the tables are ever turned, I'm going to remember "fake it till you make it". Just go along with her.
But, then again, I can't imagine being kissed, and having my ear nibbled on while being asked to fuck you in the ass, and turning that down, getting hard thinking about it right now!!
I, too, am in perimenopause and my libido ramped up a couple years ago. My husband is totally cool about it, though. I never refused him when our kids were little and some times I was so tired when I got to bed. He always made it worth my while then. Now he gets a kick out of how randy I am. We have lots of toys, are always trying out new lubes, etc. I can't understand how people can be so dense as to not know that sex is an essential part of a healthy relationship. Would your husband go to counseling? Your note aside, he really needs to know how destructive his behavior is.
Hi, Kat. As I read your post, I could relate completely, until I got to the part where you mentioned sex "once a month." Once a month!? I am so very jealous. I gave up asking a couple of years ago, and he's happy as a clam. Is it any wonder I succumbed to Liam's charms?
Thanks for all the kind words and support, friends. I appreciate it. I really do. I guess every marriage has something to deal with, huh?
Kat, I think I love you. Meet me down by the dock. I'll be the tan, buff gent, in the sail boat. Come sail with me. Away from the madness. Nibble on my ear just once, and I'll fuck you senseless through the rest of time.
-Art
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