Tuesday, July 19, 2011


I smile when I get a message from him - email, text, or IM - not because the content of the message is funny or entertaining, but because his effort to make the connection pleases me. I know that in the middle of his day he was thinking of me, and he took the next step to let me know by reaching out through the virtual world to find me.

When we talk about work or books or any one of a thousand other topics, we make an intellectual connection. He cares what I think and how I think, and he shares his thoughts, too, bringing the connection full circle.

When we make love, I am immersed in the power and gentleness of his physical presence and I feel the depth of our emotional connection.

When I first signed on to that online dating site for married folks, that's exactly what I was looking for - a connection. I had what seemed like a million contacts with people in my life, but they all skimmed the surface and very few made it through to actually touch me in a meaningful way. Even the primary relationships in my life had become predictable, rote, unauthentic.

I wanted a physical, emotional, and intellectual connection with someone.

Sex wasn't, and isn't enough. Chatting and talking on the phone wasn't, and isn't, enough. I wanted someone to touch me on every level, to pull me out of the isolation I had retreated to after years of self-protection.  I wanted someone to make me feel something again. I wanted someone to know absolutely everything there was to know about me, particularly those hidden things that I'd been protecting for years.  I wanted someone to push through my defenses and fears and touch the real Kat....and love her.

It's a lot to ask of someone, I know, especially when you're not looking for a spouse, but a lover, and you're not planning to leave your marriage for all sorts of complex reasons. It's asking someone to invest in you in all of those ways - emotionally/spiritually, intellectually, and physically - just for the pure joy and pleasure of that connection, without a promise or an expectation of more.  After all, how can there really be more? If you make a connection on all of those levels, isn't that as good as it gets?


Anonymous said...

"...someone to invest in you in all of those ways - emotionally/spiritually, intellectually, and physically - just for the pure joy and pleasure of that connection, without a promise or an expectation of more."

This is as good as it gets. That's THE connection. And time and time again, we've seen that marriage doesn't give you that.

Congrats and enjoy it...that's all, just enjoy.


SomewhereMan said...

I am glad I make you feel that way! Awwww.

Oh wait... you're not talking about me... never mind. :)

Actually, that is the drug I need. Feeling like I matter again. Not the sex.

Kat said...

HEDONE - Thanks. We are definittely on the same page with this.

SomewhereMan - You are so funny, you know that? And you do matter to me, you goof. ;-p

Anonymous said...

Care to share who the man is who provides all this to you? Inquiring minds, you know....


mckenzie said...

funny when i joined am i was cavalier, i thought i could do it without a connection, fun, fast, nsa sex, that's what i wanted, what i needed, right? who the hell was i kidding? you are talking about a gal that makes a connection with the grocery clerk so much so that they show me pictures of their grandkids and press a small birthday card into my hands for my kids every year. i admit that i like and crave that connection, even if it's a simple text or a quick note on my messenger wall. what's difficult, similar to your world with JJ is when the one i want the most, my JJ if you will goes mia. often, the rational gal in me knows it's his way of focusing and compartmentalizing but the emotional and connected gal in me suffers a bit each time. but who do i talk to about it? no one, i know the rules or those rules and i want to be able to say a year from now that he is still my "W" or my "JJ". i have to figure out the balance as it seems when i reveal how attached and emotionally connected i am he goes dark but its as if he has this uncanny sense that i need at least a "hey" right when i am either going to meet someone new, and local (as he is 3000 miles away) and i am drawn to him. he will never tell me not to seek another or find a release beside him. we are too old, too established in our real lives, but in reality, if he would just tell me that he wanted me, missed me, couldn't wait to see me...i would forego all others, deal with the lack of play time with hubby and wait until he and i saw one another again. that's the connection i feel with him. jokes on me because i can never tell him and he will never tell me to tell him. and yet, like you miss kat, i am not prepared to say goodbye.