Saturday, July 30, 2011

Confidence and Attraction

I was just having a chat with SomewhereMan, and for a brief part of the conversation we were talking about confidence. About 6 months ago, I wrote 10 Things That Really Turn Me On and what was number one on that list?  You guess it! Confidence.

I wrote, "This no joke.  Nothing gets me hotter than a confident man. Just about everything else pales next to confidence. I've met some amazingly good looking men who did nothing for me because they were afraid of their own shadow, and I've met some men who others might not consider as attractive who could twist me around their little fingers because of their confidence."

That statement is still true for me.

Read any of the accounts I've shared in my naughty posts and there is one thing that all of those gentlemen have in common - confidence. Some of the men I've been with have been shorter than they would have liked, or heavier, or balder.  Yes, some have even had smaller than average penises (you remember what I said about penis size, right?). But it was their confidence and intelligence that made them most attractive.  I'm not saying that physical attractiveness doesn't matter.  In fact, SomewhereMan's story about his escapades with Charlotte are a great illustration of a) how physical beauty does not necessarily equal "good catch," no matter how willing s/he is, and b) how sometimes physical attractiveness can blind you to the qualities (or lack of them) that you are really looking for.

And physical attractiveness does not equal "good in bed."  Whoever originally invented that lie should have found a way to make money on every time it has been perpetrated over that last couple of thousands of years. Being good in bed is much more about confidence, attitude, willingness to please, creativity, and skill than it is about beauty.

But I'm not here to slam physical attractiveness.  Oh, no.  I love a good looking man.  In fact, I am glancing over at Adam's most recent HNT on my other monitor as I write this, and imagining the unbelievably hot chest/shoulders/cock and gorgeous face of my webcam buddy. Yeah, they are hot, but it's their confidence (along with several other intangible factors) that have led me to engage them in dialogue (and some in more than dialogue).  That's what makes them more than just  pretty pictures.

Let me give you a few examples of how confidence plays out in a few different situations with some of my favorites:

J - He didn't spend any time asking for critiques of his performance.  There was no, "Did you like that?"  Hell, he knew I liked it and he knew what he liked. He wasn't tentative in bed at all.  He knew what he wanted and he went for it. If it didn't work out, he went for something else.

P - After we had been together once, he didn't act shy about getting together again.  He didn't look down at his feet and shuffle and mumble, "Do you wanna see me again?" he said, "Next Tuesday at noon works for me. You?"

JJ - His confidence impressed me the first time I saw him. He carries himself like someone with a purpose. I remember one time we met in a parking lot and walked into a hotel lobby together, instead of one or the other of us getting there first. He didn't shrink and act like we were doing anything he was ashamed of.  He didn't whisper to the hotel clerk (yes, I've seen that, too).  He was matter-of-fact and confident, like he owned the place. He put an arm around me as we stood there (there were no prying eyes around) and leaned over against me. Mmmm...... that was definitely a panty-dampening few minutes of anticipation. How long do you think it took to get me out of those panties once we were behind closed doors?

M - M announced to me recently that he has decided he's going to reclaim me. Oooo! Meeeeeow! Go for it big boy!

I can already hear the wimpier among you whining, "But how will she know I'm confident until she gets to know me, but you're saying she won't get to know me unless I'm confident.  I don't get it.  Wah wah wah..."


A confident person is unmistakable and definitely stands out from the crowd, even online. It shows in how he walks, how he talks, how he writes, how he interacts...heck, it even shows in how he stands still. You have to believe that you are worthy of someone spending the time to get to know you a little and fuck you before anyone will. It's really that simple.

How do you do that? I know it's difficult, especially if you are in an unhappy relationship where you feel that you have been beaten down for years by someone who tells you, either explicitly or implicitly by how they treat you, that you are not very attractive or that you aren't worth much. You have to pull yourself out of it. You can't allow that person's opinion of you become your opinion of you. That may mean leaving, or it may mean making a decision to change some things in your life to reclaim who you are.

If there are some physical issues affecting your confidence level, take care of them if you can.  If they are features that you cannot change, work on accepting that they are part of what makes you unique, and that the woman or women you are supposed to have will look through those things.

To round this out, here's a brief list of DON'Ts to keep you from screaming that you are not confident enough for a woman (or man) to waste time with:
  • Don't whine.  Seriously.  It is so unattractive. If you don't like something, state it in a matter of fact manner.  Little girls whine.
  • Don't look down at your feet when you walk or talk. Look straight ahead or in your partner's eyes (but not in that scary, "I'm staring you down" kind of way). That shy little boy act is very cute.....on shy little boys, not on men.
  • Don't act embarrassed about your accomplishments (but don't brag too much, either).
  • Don't be afraid to close the deal.  She's waiting for you make the move. I was with a great guy once whose company I really enjoyed.  We got together and started talking - in a very private setting, acceptable for...well, you know.  And we talked...and talked....and talked.  I did my part.  I sat close to him.  I rubbed his leg.  I made sure that some body part was touching him lightly at all times.  The signals couldn't have been clearer - not to mention the fact that I'm Kat! For gosh sake, if I let you that close to me (which is quite an accomplishment), you're in! Know what I mean? Anyway, I stopped asking questions.  At one point he said, "What are you thinking?" (Don't you just love that question?  Not!) My answer was, "I'm thinking that I'm not sure if you're ever going to make a move." Of course, he did make a move, and he was great.
Ok, now all of these thoughts are from my perspective (and they are right, of course), but I thought you might also want the perspective of a confident man on projecting confidence, so I asked SomewhereMan to share his thoughts on the topic. Rather than append them here, I'm going to post them separately as a guest post.

His advice is good, and it's written in his easy-to-read style. Don't miss it!


Ryan Beaumont said...

OH that tough needle to thread between confident and arrogant.

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