Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Sex with the Presidential Candidates

I was surprised how many of you disagreed me about Mitt Romney (see Mitt Romney Turns Me On). Okay, I can live with the fact that people can have different tastes.

That got me thinking - What would the different Presidential Candidates be like in bed?

Don't roll your eyes.  You know I have an active fantasy life and, for the most part, this string of sex fantasies wasn't altogether unpleasant (except for Ron Paul; he's a "just say no" guy for me).

So, here are my thoughts on each of the candidates and what they might be like in bed.

Mitt Romney - I chuckled at Ms. I's speculation that Mitt would be the kind of guy who would cry after sex, but I disagree - and not just because he turns me on. I have met at least a dozen men like Mitt Romney - Suited up, buttoned down, straight laced, and bored to tears from being with the same woman for 30-40 years. Assuming Mitt is like these guys, even a little, he'd be very nervous for the first few minutes in the hotel room, but once he calmed down, he'd be quite the wild man, letting it all loose and willing to experiment with everything.  He'd be seriously into pleasing his partner because he secretly knew that he was hot and the lack of  excitement in bed he'd experienced for the last 40 years clearly was not about him.

And Mitt would be a talker in bed. Mostly, he'd talk about himself, but he'd be a talker nonetheless, which would inspire me to either convince him to "play the quiet game" or gag him, which  would certainly excite him into premature ejaculation.

Sex with his wife, however, is probably boring and uninspired, but he has no idea why she sometimes falls asleep during "the act."

Rick Santorum - Rick's idea of wild sex probably consists of having sex with the light on (gasp!) on top of the covers (omg!), after neatly folding and putting aside Grandma's special quilt, of course. 'Nuff said.

Newt Gingrich - Newt is a bad, bad boy with a naughty streak. Like Mitt, he probably talks during sex, but he is all about dirty talk. Because vanilla sex is boring to him after years of playing around, I picture Newt in leather and a dog collar, begging a dominatrix to tighten that ball stretcher just a little more.  He's clearly into pain and humiliation.

Ron Paul - I can imagine Ron chasing his wife around the bedroom giggling as they role play - the master of the estate and the milk maid, daddy and bad little girl, doctor and naughty nurse (wait, that one isn't role playing,is it?). It's all about the build up and foreplay for Ron, which he will drag out a long, long time even when it's clear that his partner isn't interested anymore.

Barak Obama - Barak is the kind of guy who probably checks himself out in the mirror during the act. He's very impressed with himself and he wonders if the woman he's with knows how lucky she is that he chose her to receive his magic juice. He puts much more energy into getting her into bed than he expends once he's actually there with her. It's only a matter of time before he decides that one woman can't handle all his hot-daddy-bama power and spreading the love is the only kind thing to do for the women of the nation - no, the women of the world.

To tell you the truth, none of these guys is really worth the effort,  I'll stick with JJ.


Anonymous said...

Ah, come on, If Barak would start flirting with you, wouldnt you forget everything about JJ and go for it? lbk

Ryan Beaumont said...

Hey Kat,

Check the exit polls from Florida. Mitt creamed Newt with women by over 10% points. Regardless of what others might say (including me) the Florida chicks obviously dig Mitt (particularly the Latinas)!

Newt won the dumb Rednecks white guys from Northern Florida.

I do like your analogies, I think they are spot on!

Ryan Beaumont said...

Hey wait, I just re-read your notes about the PotUS, and I just thought I had politics in common with him! :)

Ms. Inconspicuous said...

Oh Ryan. Did you really just used "creamed"?

I stick by my crying assertion w/r/t Mitt. I've been with guys like that too. I'd bet money on it, in fact, and anyone who knows me IRL knows that I *only* wager when I'm certain I'll win. :D

Kat said...

Anon- Nope. Barak is simply not my type. If I did decide to go for it, it would be purely for the serious cash I could make from tabloids when I accidentally (oops!) let the secret out. ;-)

Ryan - You like to check yourself in the mirror while having sex, too? Speaking of Mitt and the Latina's, did you see the piece The Onion published about him and Latina voters today? Hilarious!

Ms. I - Well, the only way to resolve this is for one of us to seek out Mitt and find out. I just may volunteer for that duty.

Ben said...

Now what about the best female politicians, from the male perspective?

Ryan Beaumont said...

@ Ms I: You know I'd love to claim the witty sexual innuendo of Mitt ejaculating on Newt but I was just saying he got more female votes. Unfortunately, I'm not that quick on the fly! :)

@Kat: Like checking myself? As my pappy used to say "does a bear *hit in the woods!" :) What guy doesn't particularly when you are behind! But really I was just implying that perhaps I think I am gods gift as well! On the other hand you know half the time I'm full of it and 2/3 of the time I'm just exaggerating so who really knows! :)

@Ben: Didn't Ms. I just scold us for talking about Female Politicians! You know I met Hillary once she ain't that bad up close!

Anonymous said...

"... I'll stick with JJ..."

Boy, your husband must be bummed.

Ms. Inconspicuous said...

@Ryan and Ben: Oh, males are more than welcomed to do a "hot female politicians" post on their own blog--just stop hijacking the "hot male politicians" threads on OUR blogs! Or, you know, go visit one of the MANY blogs that have already done the "Sarah Palin is OMGHAWT!" posts. :)

@Kat: You can have him. Though I'm pretty certain I *would* make him cry. I have a knack for it.