Saturday, May 21, 2011

My Cat, Fabio - Another Cheater's Parable

I used to have a cat named Fabio.  Fabio was a gorgeous and proud orange tabby cat.  We used to let Fabio come and go as he pleased, because all men need some space, so sometimes he was an inside cat and sometimes he was an outside cat. No matter what, though, every night as it started to get dark, he would come back to our porch and wait to be let in to spend the night inside.

One night, I opened the door to let him in, and he was wearing a collar!  Huh? Yes, in his travels around the neighborhood, someone else had apparently attempted to adopt my cat. It was a little amusing.  I took off the silly collar and thought nothing of it.

The next night, Fabio was wearing a pink collar when I let him in for the night.  WTF?!? I devised a plan, and this time did not take the collar off.  The next day, I went to the pet store and bought some leather, very manly looking cat collars.  On the way home, I cruised the neighborhood until I found him.  He was lounging on a neighbor's front porch wearing that girlie pink collar.  I never liked that neighbor very much.

When Fabio came home that night, I took off the pink collar and replaced it with a black leather collar with a little tag that read, "I'm Fabio.  I belong to Kat at 69 Slut Drive."  Well, I used my real address, but you get the picture, right?  I'd show that b*tch.

The next night, Fabio came home wearing a pink collar with flowers on it - and a pink bow! OMG!  Not only was that b*tch trying to steal my cat, but she was trying to turn my bad boy tomcat into a pussy! That was simply not ok with me. I took off the embarrassing collar and replaced it with another black leather one, with little metal spikes all around it this time.

The next night Fabio didn't come home.  He didn't come home the next night, either. When I drove by the neighbor's house the next day, I saw him on her porch again, wearing that humiliating pink collar with flowers again.  And no, he didn't look happy.

 But I knew it was time to let Fabio go. It was time to just let the b*tch have him if she wanted him.

A few weeks later, I noticed that Fabio was sitting on the grass in front of the neighbor's house and his collar was a little dirty, pink bow tattered and knotted. On the porch was a smaller cat, clearly younger, with a brand new pink collar.  I wanted to open my window and yell at Fabio, "It serves you right, you cheater!" I knew, though, that yelling at a cat would be silly, soI just went home instead.

I have a new cat now.  Her name is Cuddles, and I learned my lesson.  We don't let her go outside.

So, what does all of this have to do with you, fellow Prowlers?  Can't you see it?
  1. Fabio wasn't just cheating, he was flaunting it by coming home with fancy collars. Eventually, divorce was the only option because I had no dignity left. Even if you think your spouse knows about your affair, don't flaunt it in his/her face.  That's just mean. If you want to stay married, give him/her some room to look the other way.
  2.  Fabio's b*tch mistress was trying to change him into something he wasn't (a girlie pussy).  There's no way that wouldn't be noticed at home. Be careful about changing too much of your normal routine and activities.  If it starts to look like you're changing too rapidly, a big red flag will go off in your spouse's head, and you don't want that.
  3. Leaving the wife for the mistress usually doesn't work out (Okay, Okay, I've heard stories of times where it has worked out, but trust me, those are the exceptions, not the rule).  Look how it turned out for Fabio. The new mistress, once she became the wife, found a young new kitty to play with. Poor Fabio couldn't find success prowling the neighborhood anymore because by then he was dirty, poorly cared for and he looked like a girlie pussy.
  4. By the time Fabio realized that he had made a terrible mistake, he had already been replaced by another kitty, and there was no way his ex (me) was going to take him back. You may think your spouse will be devastated without you and end up alone forever, but that's just your inflated ego talking. He/she will eventually invite someone else into his/her bed.  Think about that before you walk away.


Ryan Beaumont said...

Poor poor puddy cat, I'm seeing a naughty Tom and Jerry cartoon :)

And btw, as I write this I see dog tracking collars on google ads belwo. What would be your allegorical human cheating equivalent to putting up an electrical fence to keep Fabio in :)

Kat said...

Interesting question....Tracking device in the car? Or maybe GPS monitoring of a cell phone?